Confused by Philadelphia
#1290
“Now everyone’s naked. Now I don’t want to be naked because everyone’s naked” - Madonna
* Political Party Wars
* Where Are All The Ronaldo Fans?
* PLUS: Farty Carns
Stuff amusing us this week - since 2000. Send us tips & trivia, via email, WhatsApp +44 7923 619540 or DM on Instagram.
>> When Doves Cry <<
Chatterbox Katie
It was the TRIC Awards this week, with lots of the great and good of UK TV and radio (and GB News) in attendance, giving out awards and raising thousands of pounds for charity.
A spokesperson for Refuge took the stage early on, talking about the plight of abused and murdered women every year in this country. As she was talking, 110 white birds appeared on the screen behind her, symbolising the 110 women killed in this country last year. You could hear a pin drop.
A pin, and Smooth Radio’s Kate Garraway, who sat holding court, having a loud conversation with the man sat next to her through the whole speech, completely ignoring the horrified glares of everybody on the neighbouring tables.
Harry Kane is the first England captain to go through a change of Prime Minister during a major international tournament for the THIRD time.
>> Warm Welcomes <<
The Ronaldo effect
While Bostonians mourn their departed Scots and England fight off weather warnings and ball thefts in Kansas, the Portuguese national team has been holed up at The Four Seasons Resort in Palm Beach.
Cristiano and crew’s hotel is surrounded by a phalanx of Palm Beach Sheriff’s Office patrol cars. They travel to wherever the heck they’re training in a massive tour bus surrounded by Secret Service-style unmarked black SUVs, complete with flashing lights, roaring past Mar-a-Lago every day as they depart.
Most of the players go completely unnoticed by locals, hanging out at the Four Seasons beach and taking walks in nearby public parks. Including Cristiano himself, who was spotted out for a solo morning jog, no security, shirtless and glistening in the early dawn heat and humidity along South Ocean Boulevard.
So the block-long metal crowd control barricades erected across the street from the Four Seasons would seem to be an unnecessary absurdity.
1. The most fans counted so far at any point? A dozen.
2. This might not just reflect on CR7’s profile in Florida, but have something to do with the fact Florida state troopers have been coordinating with ICE in the arrest of immigrants and anyone whose legal status is questionable.
Either way, doesn’t make for much of a welcome committee.
A rival to Somerset’s Posh Spice restaurant for name ingenuity: a roadside food stop on the A38, also in Somerset, called Breakfast at Timothy’s.
>> Big Question <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which politician had a saucy beginning to her political career? She was supposedly shagging a (married) councillor whose spouse found out and promptly kicked him out. Distraught, the jilted councillor went to stay in the house of his local MP.
His affair partner promptly turned up, armed with bacon sandwiches, to find out if her lover was doing okay. Instead, she got chatting to the MP who owned the house.
Who was apparently so impressive that she decided on a new political career path on the spot. Handy, really.
If you’re in Europe it’s too hot to go outside, too hot to open your curtains. In other words, the perfect environment to read hot gossip instead.
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>> Led By Donkeys <<
Like and subscribe
OG YouTuber Zoella is lying low after majorly pissing off her neighbours in bucolic Mid Sussex.
She’s just bought the field behind her house and wasted no time installing three new shepherd huts and creating some new access points for her steeds: two donkeys that she’s adopted. But she’s done it all while committing the ultimate NIMBY crime - she hasn’t applied for planning permission
Cue an onslaught of juicy complaint letters by furious neighbours and donkey-haters - with, admittedly, a few comments of support, perhaps fans from her days of vlogging stardom.
[Check out the local vitriol here]
E writes: “I was in Portcullis House earlier this week and heard a loud and long farting sound from someone walking past. I turned around to see what it was and was a little surprised to see former Armed Forces Minister Al Carns”.
>> Mistaken Identities <<
The S list glory days
Nowadays it’s the haunt of indiscriminate creative executives on their laptops, but back when it first opened, Soho House was known for a lot more debauchery. Its door policy was much stricter as a result.
Nobody — not gakked-up TV presenters, faux fame-heads, C-list celebs – managed to sneak their way inside if they weren’t members. Janet Street-Porter, Mick Hucknall and Morrissey were all knocked back at the door, the latter in spite of his manager’s protests of “don’t you know who he is?!”.
(Bjork was much sweeter, and when turned away simply took her entourage to Milk Bar instead.)
But the award for most shameless blagger goes to an up-and-coming actor who tried to get into Soho House with an ambitious lie. He told reception he was Ben Bates - son of Alan Bates. After a lot of back and forth he backed down and left, taking his disgruntled date with him.
Hopefully Jack Davenport has managed to get his own membership sorted since then.
Connor Swindells is very much the anti-Jeremy Kyle of train etiquette. Spotted on a train to Victoria yesterday, he squeezed into a middle seat in standard class with no airs and graces, and he got out of his seat to let other passengers past. Laying the Bond groundwork already?
>> Party Politics <<
RSVP necessary
The summer political party season is in full swing. The Murdoch family bash has been and gone and the Speccie, Politico and TRG are all on the horizon.
You get the usual bunch of Cabinet liggers and well connected MPs, but with defections and backstabbings in full flow, cross-party co-operation is in short supply this year.
But not for everyone. We keep seeing some names on the same guest lists, like Katie Lam (Conservatives) and Robert Jenrick (Reform).
Unless Katie is about to tell us she’s throwing her lot in with Reform, all we can say is that it’s nice that Little Bobby J hasn’t already burned all his bridges with his erstwhile colleagues and still has one friend in the party.
It’s getting harder and harder for journalists to promote their work on X. Even Lord Ashcroft is paying for ads on the platform to promote his new book on Nigel Farage.
>> Flood Defences <<
Local government goes under
If your workplace isn’t dealing well with the heat, take some comfort that things aren’t any better for the people running London.
London City Hall’s air-conditioning completely malfunctioned on the hottest day of the year. The ceiling grates started collecting water, water which then dripped onto desks across the offices, soaking workspaces, destroying laptops and turning paper to mush.
Maintenance was unable to fix the tsunami without switching off the AC entirely. And to add insult to injury, the toilets outside the assembly chamber have also broken, leaving the corridors stinking of sewage. The whole Docklands site may as well be a swamp.
Not good news if you’re currently waiting on a reply from the council.
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>> Closed <<
You’re (dis)barred
During the time West Ham’s David Sullivan was under investigation by the police for sexual assaults, he was also bankrolling a care home for vulnerable teenage girls - which was closed due to a catalogue of safeguarding failures - run by his OnlyFans fiancee Ambika Pickton.
A potentially big story you’d think? And yet, the UK legal system so favours the rich and powerful that the journos pursuing it were hounded by heavy legal threats from Sullivan’s (now disbarred) briefs when they tried to publish.
PB readers won’t be surprised to find that mainstream media didn’t exactly jump in to take on the multi-millionaire, so this part of the Sullivan story has stayed largely under wraps.
Also curious - the Daily Mail published a story recently headlined ”Karren Brady was once David Sullivan’s GIRLFRIEND”: A story that was edited within hours to remove any reference to the “girlfriend” bit.
>> Let Him Cook <<
Praise him like we should
In a world of media trained, dull as dishwasher celebrities Norman Cook stands out as a beacon of light.
Although sober for more than a decade, he’s still having it large as DJ Fatboy Slim whenever he can, this month bouncing from starring at the massive Capital Summertime Ball to a street carnival in his hometown against fascism.
He’s equally authentic in an interview situation.
When asked at a book-signing whether kids today are a bit too clean-cut and well-behaved compared to his more hard-partying generation, he could have mouthed some wellness or sobriety homilies.
But no. “I was really worried during the pandemic that kids would grow up without having spent years off their nut in a nightclub. But both of my children seem to be taking to the drugs quite well... So, in some ways, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
“I blame the mother, obviously”, was his tongue-in cheek punchline.
Sadly, the response was never printed. Can you imagine a Brit tabloid having a sensible attitude to drug taking or crediting a musician with a sense of humour?
Never change, Norman.
The UK job market currently has open positions for: the Prime Minister, Doctor Who, and James Bond.
>> Hmms <<
Internet bright spots of the week
Bonnie Blue’s little brother has started a rap career
[Biggest disappointment in the family]
French football fans are very confused by the concept of Philadelphia
[This hoagie isn’t Italian at all!]
Sam Altman is blocking the release of a new Open AI biopic by Luca Guadagnino
[Read on Variety]
Does Donald Trump actually have short fingers?
[An investigation]
There are now more likes on this Instagram post arguing with Matt Goodwin than there were votes for Matt Goodwin in Gorton and Denton
[A low bar, in fairness]
Can Andy Burnham’s music taste predict what he’ll be like as PM?
[Clash breaks it down]
The Ghanaian witch doctor who cursed Harry Kane has now released him
[Good news for the Panama match]
Where’s the best pint in England?
[An essential hot weather report]
An AI Michael Caine voice will narrate ‘The Odyssey’
[For some reason]
Harry Styles fans rejoice - water at Wembley is now 50% off
[Such heatwave charity!]
The Le Creuset spree that finally brought down Peter Murrell
[Who among us would not also be tempted?]
And Huw Edwards has launched a Substack
[Two likes so far!]
Thanks to: LM, HP, E, aglio_olio, MJ, KV, T, SD, G.
Old Jokes Home
Q: What do you call a teacher that won’t fart in public?
A: A private tutor.
Still Bored?
Sick of QR codes telling you to buy a TV license? Want to hydration commercial breaks? You can follow the World Cup old school style instead - on Ceefax. [TBT]