Fat With Piles, Epstein Files
#1289
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“I am not planning to become the President of France. I’m already hated enough as it is” - Kylian Mbappé
* World Cup Bumper Edition
* A Posh Spice Vindaloo
* PLUS: Oh Mandy
Stuff amusing us this week - since 2000. Send us tips & trivia, via email, WhatsApp +44 7923 619540 or DM on Instagram.
>> Oedipal Complex <<
Brand Beckham vs Beckham
The Beckham family social media content machine grinds on.
You have to feel sorry for little Brooklyn. He’s having his arse handed to him by his canny family.
First, Brooklyn moves to New York to avoid the fam heading to LA for the football and for David to unveil his new Hollywood walk of fame star. The outcome? Little sis Harper is packed off to her brother’s empty LA mansion where somehow the paps get shots.
1-0 Brand Beckham.
Brooklyn then releases an advert for DoorDash (seemingly the one brand not to have hired Goldenballs) in which he jokes about watching the World Cup at home. Cue hysterical briefing to the Daily Mail about “cashing in” and “swiping” at his parents.
2-0 Brand Beckham.
It just seems that no matter what Brooklyn does, David does it better.
Which brings us on to an unlikely rumour circulating in West London about the real reasons for the father-son fall out. That Brooklyn’s unhappiness with his Dad pre-dates his marriage to Nicola. It started back when he had a brief fling with Rita Ora...
Bad news for The Sun’s push notifications team. Their World Cup news alert today cut off on phones at a very unfortunate point, reading “TACTICAL BLUNDER: ITV sexism row as Emma Hayes is forced to do World Cup anal...”. We’re assuming that’s “analysis”. Tactical blunder is correct.
>> If Looks Could Kyle <<
Getting the trains to run on time
Jeremy Kyle seemed to be in a horrendous mood on a solo trip from Waterloo to Hampshire this week.
Jezza took great lengths to stop fans speaking to him, first hiding away in the first class carriage, then scowling at any passenger who dared to look at him, never mind speak to him.
Most of his ire, though, was reserved for the train manager, who had the audacity to say hello and ask to check Jez’s ticket. The response was a snippy: “Is that really necessary?”
Doesn’t anyone know who he thinks he is?!
Saddest use of seat-filler services? Barry Manilow, offering tickets to his last ever London concert at the O2 Arena.
>> Big Question <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which past-his-prime soap star is known for trying his luck absolutely everywhere? On a week-long tour of regional radio and TV stations, he turned to the lucky lady PR manager looking after him and suggested that they should sack the promo day off and spend it in his hotel bed instead. She politely laughed it off and kept to the job at hand.
Love vinyl? You’re in luck! London’s newest/coolest second hand record shop Diet Cola Records is offering 20% off instore if you say “Popbitch”. [They’ve got a brilliant house and jazz selection FYI, just toddle off to Woolwich Church St and find out.]
>> Electric Dreams <<
Rebel synths of Cabo Verde
The draw with European champions Spain is not the only incredible story associated with Cape Verde. There’s one about its music too.
In 1968, a ship carrying the latest Korgs, Moogs and Hammond organs set off from Baltimore to Brazil, for the first major expo of electronic instruments in South America. It went missing in bad conditions and, the story goes, washed up in the Cape Verde archipelago two weeks later.
Anti-colonial revolutionary Amílcar Cabral ordered the cargo of synths to be hidden surreptitiously in churches and schools, away from the Portuguese regime who censored the Cabo Verdean indigenous folk music, Funana.
Locals learned to use the synths, and wove them into Funana to evolve a new, unique, trippy electronica which came to define the country’s fight for liberty and flourished upon independence in 1975.
You can listen to some of it here. It’s great:
[Space Echo]
And here’s a short film too:
[Watch]
David Jones from Sky Sports was overheard talking about his summer plans at a charity gala last Friday. He’s deciding whether to start a podcast or try to take his golf game further. Interesting chat, Dave.
>> Enchanting <<
VAR and HR checks
World Cup fever has finally hit the USA, and the country who gave the world the chant “I believe that we will win!” doesn’t know what’s hit it.
International fans have brought some great new songs with them. Here are some of our favourites we’ve been sent so far.
“Aussie boys are on a bender, Donald Trump is a sex offender”. From, surprise, surprise, Australian fans.
England fans, not to be outdone offered this charming ditty.
“He’s fat with piles, he’s in the Epstein files, Trump the cunt, Trump the cunt”.
They followed that by facing off with Croatian fans in a pub while singing another classic, to the tune of Go West: “You’re shit but your birds are fit”.
FYI: Norway and Netherlands are less sweary but no less iconic, with the former’s Viking row and the Dutch Left/Right dance.
Seen/heard/sung a better one? Email hello@popbitch.com or WA +44 7923 619540.
Spotted: Chief Whip Rebecca Harris trying to conceal vape smoke upon entering Parliament via the underground entrance (still inside the actual station).
>> On Its Last Leg? <<
A strictly personnel issue
With Josh Widdicombe announced as one of the new hosts of Strictly Come Dancing, Channel 4 surely must be worried they might lose him off The Last Leg. (TLL broadcasts live every Friday to 11pm, while Strictly is live on Saturdays.)
Losing Josh might turn people’s attention to a different employee, Adam Hill, who has something of a divisive reputation. While some people love him, other crew members have complained about his grumpy behaviour. “Aggressive and angry” was one complaint we saw.
Which perhaps explains why The Last Leg wasn’t included in C4’s recent internal survey, which invites staff to air their grievances in the workplace.
Rupert Everett said at an after-dinner talk last week that when he made films with Madonna and Julia Roberts neither of them wore deodorant.
>> Ducked Over <<
Old Soho goes New Soho
The Groucho Club has struggled to recover from the serious police investigation that caused it to shutter right in the middle of peak Christmas season back in 2024.
Since then there’s been a revolving door of staff trying - and failing - to recapture the magic of the club’s glory days, when it was filled with Soho’s Britpop and media class.
A rejig of the interiors to make it look more like a generic provincial hotel didn’t do the trick. Nor did a strict guestlist policy, forcing members to use a fiddly app rather than just drunkenly sign in their mates.
Now the club has announced a latest ploy to draw back the punters.
They’ve ditched the iconic Groucho duck from their new logo.
“We’re not changing what The Groucho is”, promised an email to members this week. “We are giving it a face worthy of what happens inside it.”
Which means no more drunken ducking.
Last week we reported an apparent sighting of Jeff Goldblum on a run in Dulwich. While Goldblum is in the UK at the moment, we have since learned there is also a lookalike known in the Dulwich area as “Jeff” who always sports fantastic outfits. The plot thickens.
>> Sullivan’s Island <<
Fuck-a-doodle-doing
Pilchardboy writes:
“In the mid-80s my (sadly late) friend lived next door to David Sullivan in Chigwell. We would sit in his bedroom watching all these beautiful women going in and out of the place. We were about 13.
“Sullivan’s house was proper Chigwell: pillars, statuettes in the front garden. Best of all he had a gold BMW, and when it got dark it was illuminated by spotlights.
“To be fair he was always very friendly. One summer’s day he invited us both for a swim in his pool which was filled with about a dozen skimpily-clad models. We couldn’t believe our luck. Until he had to leave and chucked us all out. Cue giggling from said models as we struggled to stand straight due to teenage tumescence.
“Other than that my prime memory is that he was the first person I heard use the term ‘fuck a-doodle-do’.”
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>> Hmms <<
Internet bright spots of the week
The house Cary Grant was born in is up for sale
[Got a blue plaque up and everything]
Korea shuts all Starbucks stores for a history lesson after a bungled coffee promotion
[It’s gonna cost them 2.1 billion won]
Two football fans are being paid $50,000 each to watch all 104 World Cup games from a cube in Times Square
[Bargain]
Anyone want to audition for Dating Naked UK 3?
[Go on, take one for the team, for gossip purposes alone]
That Congolese superfan finally did make it to the US.
[Submission for best World Cup story so far]
Someone spent five years making a stop-motion version of Sabotage by Beastie Boys
[Time well spent]
Scotland fans causing beer shortages in Boston
[It’s ‘worse than St Patrick’s Day’]
Meanwhile, England fans drank 5,000 pints in a single day in Dallas
[Not to be outdone]
Donald Trump says he fell in love with the President of Egypt
[They met at a hotel]
Best named Indian restaurant in Nailsea, Somerset?
[Posh Spice]
Nominative Determinism of the Week: The casting director who chose the sexy camerawomen and dancers in Madonna’s new confessions film?
[Ben Totty]
Thanks to: Monstris, GP, BM, J, Pilchardboy, CL, AC, deep_stoat, theabominablehoman, KL, TP, kerching, pauline,
London Records Comp - we had almost 1000 entries and an awful lot of correct answers. It was Billie Eilish. Congrats to Niamh, Sarah and Julian for winning! (We’ll be in touch shortly).
Old Jokes Home
I bought a 2nd hand guitar off Adam Ant.
It was £30, but he said for an extra £10 he’ll throw in a Stand and Deliver.
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