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“I’m the nappy king” - Pete Doherty
* The End of Boobs
* Gary Oldman vs Bananas
* PLUS: Bez is hearing voices
>> Oh, the Iron(y) <<
Straightening the wrinkles
Robert Downey Jnr is being paid handsomely for his latest Avengers turn - around a cool 90m in fact.
Which is double cushty because he might not even be in it.
The Marvel machine is so chock full of A-Listers that its shooting schedule is all over the place, and Downey Jnr might not be available for his rescheduled reshoots.
It’s not the only colossal waste of money on the movie. Qatar paid multi-millions to have part of the film shot in their desert, but the resulting scenes look set to be cut. The film may end up shooting a lot of green screens unnecessarily there just to honour the contract.
Qatar-aside, Marvel could probably just shoot an extra inside the Iron Man suit to sort the first problem and we’d never know if it was RDJ or not.
Ashley James is trying to distance herself from her Made In Chelsea days, and is asking interviews not to mention it. She’s currently being referred to as an “Anusol Ambassador” instead. So just to clarify: Anusol is fine, MIC out.
>> Popebitch (again) <<
The funk and soul brother
The funeral is over, the conclave has assembled, and Catholicism’s answer to Traitors has begun.
One of the favourites to be the next pope is Cardinal Peter Turkson from Ghana. If elected he’d be the first African pope, and also potentially the first pope who used to be in a funk band.
Cardinal Turkson played bass in his local band in the 1960s. Back when he was last favourite to be pontiff (when Pope John Paul II died in 2005), one of his childhood friends, Dunhill Pawosey, told the press:
“I was on drums, and he was on bass. We’d play Afrobeat stuff in the 1960s – James Brown, that kind of thing. He liked James Brown a lot.”
Turkson's chances of being pope this time round have improved because he's 12 years older. Apparently, the cardinals don't like voting for someone so young that they'll outlive the voters' own chances of achieving the papal throne.
Spotted in Centre Parcs Thetford: Ashley Walters walking round in the gym with his shirt off (obviously).
>> Big Question <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Why is that photo of a gone-to-seed celeb obviously in the middle of a coprophilia session (tissues in hand, grimace on face, full load on stomach) making the rounds once again?
Things you can get for £30
An electric toothbrush
A cat hammock
Anti-ageing face cream
A scented candle you can’t smell
A medium-sized fruit basket
A “few bits” from an express supermarket
A half tank in the gas guzzler (if you're lucky) OR:
UNLIMITED SMART EV CHARGING WITH OCTOPUS ENERGY
(One car, when we schedule the charge)
[Discover Intelligent Drive Pack now]
>> Dearly Beloved <<
Burying bad news
Keith Murdoch (father of Rupert) is one of many old hacks to have a memorial plaque on the back of a seat in St Bride’s, the journalists’ church in Fleet Street.
It looks as if Rupe might have booked his own seat next to dad. Anyone interested in putting a plaque on that currently vacant prime spot in the centre aisle is being told very firmly that it's not available.
There's only one spot left there, to the left of Keith. It's near the front and near the Journalists' Altar, so peak desirability.
A hack's family, inquiring about getting their journo on the seat, was firmly told that it was not available because 'unofficially' it was reserved for Rupert.
PS. St Bride's is the church where Rupert had his 2016 marriage to Jerry Hall blessed. That went well.
Nominative Determinism of the Week: Deputy Director of Cool Earth, Hannah Peck. She previously managed “Project Parakeet”, looking at how parakeets eat all the food, depriving native species of anything to… peck.
>> Game’s Gone <<
Get your tips out
Back in the golden Murdoch-era of kiss and tells, you could make serious dosh from dobbing in footballers, popstars and actors. But times have changed and budgets have tightened, and the whole thing is a bit grubbier and a lot less lucrative nowadays.
Last week, one red-top reporter scored a tip on an England footballer who was seen partying in Ibiza with a coterie of women, one of whom was recognised as being a “very well known prostitute”.
The reporter’s initial fee offer for any juicy tabloid tell-all? £100.
When this derisory sum was laughed off, he hastily claimed he’d “left a zero off” by mistake. But given the story hasn’t made it to the papers just yet, we presume that after weighing up crashing her reputation for a whole grand, she (or her people) politely told them to fuck off.
Richard Dawkins had some interesting advice at an in conversation event: “Don't be pretentious. Don't be obscurantist. Speak truth, honestly, in language that you understand and you hope other people understand.” (‘Obscurantist' not counting as pretentious here.)
>> Crazy Gang <<
Dee-dee-da-da-dum
Whigfield was the star guest and performer at a dinner last weekend at the Brewery in London.
She gave a "fabulous" performance of Saturday Night to a crowd of around 650 fans.
But who seemed to be the biggest Whigfield super-fan in the room?
Retired Wimbledon FC goalkeeper, Dave Beasant.
Hugh Grant, Hacked Off luminary and detester of all things Murdoch, seems to have become a Times reader. Has apparently told friends he is “annoyed to discover that it’s actually quite a good paper.”
>> Tits: Out <<
A sky darkens
A dark day has dawned at the offices of the Daily Star.
When new editor Dennis Mann took the reins this January, the paper expected changes, but nothing like this.
Finally, it’s happening. Page 3 is coming to an end. From the end of May, word around the building is that there will be no more tits on the pages of the Star.
The staff and models have already been informed.
Our thoughts are with them and their families at this difficult time.
When ITV went into meltdown over Phillip Schofield, his cardboard cutout vanished from the office floor overnight, and has never been found. (Holly’s was moved into a meeting room discreetly facing the corner.)
>> AI Goes Popbitch <<
ITV staff - your mic is on!
Following the company-wide adoption of Google’s AI product Gemini at ITV, all meetings now have the option of transcriptions and summaries. Handy, right!
Maybe, but it has also led to some awkward office casualties linked to the shiny new feature.
In one online session – which was being transcribed and summarised - a couple of employees stayed on after the meeting had ended and had a good old bitch.
A pithy summary of their bitching session was duly appended to the meeting notes, with a word-for-word transcription also available for anyone who wanted a deep-dive.
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>> Suffering Is Art <<
A bunch of sacrifices
Gary Oldman is currently starring in a one man play in York, Krapp’s Last Tape.
His decision to stage this Samuel Beckett play at York Theatre Royal is infused with sentimentality. It is, he explains in the programme, where he made his professional stage debut in 1979.
(Each year, on his birthday, Krapp records a new tape reflecting on the year gone by. On his 69th birthday, Krapp, now a lonely man, is ready with a bottle of wine, a banana and his tape recorder. Listening back to a recording he made as a young man, Krapp must face the hopes of his past self.)
Every night Gary Oldman peels and eats six bananas on stage.
Which shows his dedication to both the theatre and the play. As Gary Oldman really, really dislikes bananas.
Laurence Fox’s trial has the same Magistrate who let Huw Edwards off.
>> Twisting His Melon <<
A surprisingly sedate spot
A slightly unexpected Pedestrian Celebrity Spot of the Week”
A Popbitch reader stumbled across Bez from the Happy Mondays in the toilets at Gigantic festival in Bristol saying "I can't find me way out,...there's a voice in my head".
Those present first assumed he was high on drugs. But was in fact a reference to a conversation on his earbuds.
Hello and welcome to Popbitch via Substack. Thursday’s mailout will look much the same as it ever did - but we’ll be adding in some extra features (chat / forums / notes / audio etc) over the coming weeks.
Stay tuned…
>> Hmms <<
Internet bright spots, Substack edition
The Australian celeb version of The Amazing Race not off to a great start
[Find out what happened here]
Ronnie O’Sullivan’s house is up for sale
[Surely it’s not that bad!]
The men who race pigeons
[Cooey!]
What’s going on at A24?
[What happens when an alt start-up stops being alt]
UK has a seven-page guidance document on the playing of ice-cream chimes
[We love a soft serve]
Crypto bros go wild in Dubai
[From prison to desert raves]
Raccoon found during traffic stop holding meth pipe
[VERY IMPORTANT]
Eurovision is almost upon us! Club PBers will get a companion guide to the final emailed out to you end of day Friday 16th May. But in the mean time, here's all the entries:
[It's def not a vintage year]
Missing boyband 5ive? Now we have k-pop girlband F5ve. There's five of them in it. They have a new song out with Kesha.
[More than 5ive (or F5ve) songs on here]
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Thanks to: DR, Juliet, Spudbunny, HS, Snakke, KD, Bob Buchanan, Juliet, SW, AW, SC
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Old Jokes Home
Q: Did you hear they arrested the Devil?
A: Yeah, they got him on possession.
Still Bored?
Ever wonder what this Buck’s Fizz song is really about? You’ll be surprised to find out that it’s a central feature of episode one of Adam Curtis’ epic new series, Shifty. Coming soon…
[Land of Make Believe]
*** WhatsApp us some goss on +44 7923 619540. We're also on Instagram and our DMs are open (@p0pb1tch) ***