Gash In The Attic
#1284
HIT THAT PERFECT BEAT: THE LONDON RECORDS STORY. Episode Two out now. Not just a nostalgia fest, the series helps explain the music industry, how labels hyped records to chart and how a song’s profits could be drunk in just one night out on the piss by the A&R team. Label execs like ex-MD Colin Bell and John Niven (Kill Your Friends) plus Goldie (aka “Rage”), Shaznay All Saints, Fine Young Cannibals, Tony Mortimer (East17) etc. bring it all to life.
“Some say ‘life is short and you have to live it’. Yes, but hell is eternal and must be avoided” - Dani Alves
* Mock The Woke
* JT’s Hand Luggage
* PLUS: PB Eurovision Guide
Stuff amusing us this week - since 2000. Send us tips & trivia, via email, WhatsApp +44 7923 619540 or DM on Instagram.
>> Emergency Exits <<
The end is Keir
Nothing like a good old-fashioned crisis in Number 10 to chain most of London’s journalists to their desks.
Which is not the best situation for the hardworking hacks at Sky News.
While most of them are on office lockdown to monitor the situation in Westminster, the office around them has suddenly decided to go a bit Pete Tong.
A water disaster in Sky News Studios means they’re all having to drink from cans, and overflowing urinals mean they can only use the loo “in emergencies”.
Excellent timing.
No sign of any Wes Streeting resignation yet today. Yet he found time last week to film a video ready for his leadership challenge. (His team apparently dismissed the significance, claiming “everyone else was doing it”.)
>> In Arrears <<
No fault evictions?
When Peter Mandelson’s Wiltshire home was raided by police earlier this year, his neighbours in the sleepy environs of the Vale of Pewsey must have breathed a sigh of relief.
Because soon enough, Mandy moved out of his rural enclave, which he was renting from good pal and landlord Nat Rothschild.
But given recent sightings in the area, they’re slightly worried about the calibre of new tenant that Nat has moved in to replace Mandy.
Mind you, there could be another reason entirely that disgraced financier Crispin Odey is suddenly hanging around.
In the most “Tom Zanetti” move possible, Tom Zanetti is opening a new ‘party supper club’ in Marbella.
>> Big Question <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which now very prominent MP has been lighting up our inbox with storie for months now? So far we’ve heard that he -
Got a blowjob in the Parliament library - for which he was hauled in front of the speaker to apologise.
Caused a MIC-style meltdown on the terrace when he was dumped by another MP for sending nudes to two parliamentary staffers.
Came on to another MP at the Parliamentarian of the Year Awards.
Was caught shagging more than one person at last year’s Labour Conference.
Either people in Westminster really want to drop him in the stink, or it’s been a busy year for the guy so far!
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>> Criminal Minds <<
A case of mistaken identity
It’s coming up on 12 years since Rik Mayall died. And apparently there was one fact that always bugged him. He could never work out how he ended up with a (minor) criminal record when he was young.
Mystery solved.
And, not altogether surprisingly, Keith Allen was involved.
Keith is guesting on the next episode of the new 90s-flavoured podcast from Martin Deeson (the original Editor-at-Large of Loaded magazine).
This is what Allen confessed:
Early on in his alternative comedy TV career, he attended a counter march, protesting at the National Front one taking place. But he managed to get arrested and taken to the police station.
When the charge sergeant recognised him “from off the telly” it became clear the copper had got it slightly wrong and thought he was Rik Mayall. Keith promptly launched into his mate’s stand-up act and played along. With unintended consequences.
[For more: Martin Deeson Unloaded]
A Second Acts/Nominative Determinism combo: Jason Gardiner of Dancing On Ice fame is now not only an Instagram conspiracy theorist but also... a gardener!
>> New House Party Address <<
Noel’s Up from Down Under
We last saw Noel Edmonds on ITV, mugging for the cameras on Noel’s Kiwi Adventure. It looked like Noel’s intention was for his travails in NZ, establishing his River Haven resto-pub-vineyard combo, to be the new Clarkson’s Farm. Alas, after a short run, ITV declined a second series.
After this setback, and some troublesome South Island flooding, Noel told the local community he needed time to get everything up and running again. And yet, as the tourist season comes to a close, River Haven remains shut. His River Haven facebook page has disappeared and one of the Edmonds’ 12 properties in the Ngatimoti village is up for sale.
And what has happened to Noel’s “award winning” collection of New Zealand wines?
Fear not, they're still on sale. Exclusively on the Isle of Man.
Karren Brady has a brother called Darren.
>> Gash In The Attic <<
Thanks for that, David
Not all celebrity interviews are a walk in the park. Some of them are downright weird. And often the downright weird ones involve the late David Gest.
David once popped up on a celeb g(u)est spot for Cash in the Attic, flogging some old Michael Jackson memorabilia.
When the interviewer asked him about his friendship with Jacko, David got angry and uncomfortable - despite the fact he’d brought all this merch to the show.
Rather than answering the question at hand, he started banging on about his aunt, aggressively telling the interviewer that she had two clitorises (clitorae?).
When they answered with a wary “okay”, David fumed, “well you asked me!” and stormed off.
Ten years since we lost one of the greatest to ever do it.
Spare a thought for former CBBC presenter Simon Parkin who mistakenly broadcast an excerpt from the wrong YouTube video from kids TV classic Trumpton, thereby playing BBC Radio Somerset listeners the line: “Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and cunt”.
>> Nil Point <<
A Finnish affair
While the spectre of geopolitics stalks this year’s Eurovision, it’s easy to forget that the contest sets the stage for the dreams of many singers, dancers, songwriters and musicians for whom this is potentially the biggest moment of their career.
Linda Lampenius is one half of hot favourites this year, Finland. She’s carved out a high-profile career as a pop/classical violinist but not everything has gone to plan. She was managed by a Finnish-born businessman, Peter Nygard. You might know his name, as since 2024 he’s been in jail for serious sexual offences against women and girls; a case with strong echoes of Jeffrey Epstein.
Back in 1997 Linda told a magazine all this was happening. Rather than anyone taking her whistleblowing seriously, Nygard sued her for defamation. She had to pay to take out a full page newspaper advert to apologise to him. This Eurovision, for her, is a vindication.
And, to end on a lighter note - here’s a fun Eurovision fact. Azerbaijan had an absolute purple patch between 2009 and 2013: 3rd, 5th, WINNER (Ell and Nikki “Running Scared”), 4th and 2nd. Since the day Alex Ferguson left Man Utd they have never recovered. One top-ten finish in twelve years. (Much like United...)
For the rest of this year’s fun facts and trivia, you need the Popbitch Eurovision Companion? Completely free for Club Popbitch. Try it for a month for £5 to get all our insider info (and gratuitous bad jokes and insults) sent out to you on Saturday morning.
>> Sleb High Flyers <<
’This is going to ruin the tour’
Here at PBHQ we occasionally get tales of woe from Business and First Class VIP flyers, but the gossip is always more juicy when A-Listers forgo commercial entirely and enter the gilded world of the PJ.
Once they ascend to these heights of fame, reports are varied. One private jet leasing company says Madonna is a dream because her only request is orange juice in glass bottles (supposedly how her kids prefer it).
At the other end of the spectrum though: Justin Timberlake.
A few years back he tried to board a PJ carrying some interesting luggage. A ceremonial knife that he’d picked up on his travels. When informed by staff that you can’t very well travel with a machete, private or commercial, Justin kicked off an almighty fuss and started swearing at the poor air stewards.
When eventually staff threatened to cancel the flight and call the police, JT mumbled an apology, before sulking for the rest of the journey.
Mo Salah went to check out the new stage show Dracula last week, starring Cynthia Erivo. He sat quietly in the second row with a couple of mates, unnoticed and unrecognised by the thespian audience.
>> Mock The Woke <<
NIJBY (not in Josh’s back yard)
Comedians love to flex their right-on credentials - to a point.
When faced with the prospect of having homes for care leavers and key workers built on an old concrete slab near his posh home in St Leonard’s in Exeter, Josh Widdicombe seemed less concerned with the futures of vulnerable young people than you might think. He turned up to protest the move at a local council meeting.
BBC Devon reported that the council “puts off land sale opposed by celebrity”, but locals say the reporting was a tad misleading. The land under question isn’t any kind of green space, nor had it been in use for years. In reality the disputed plot was pretty small, concrete and fenced off.
It is, however, close to the wealthiest part of Exeter.
A quick heads up to Edith Bowman - your neighbours are getting really pissed off about you speeding through the neighbouring estate as a short cut. (Edith’s husband, Editors frontman Tom Smith, is noted locally as a much safer driver.)
>> Drive Me Crazy <<
A Gift to gossip
As we’ve been immersed in record label podcast listening this week, we noticed that ex-London Records superstar Roland Gift is touring “40 years of songs by the Fine Young Cannibals” this month.
Which reminded us just how cool Roland Gift was/is.
Our favourite spot was when one of the PB team, randomly, bumped into him on the fast train from Liverpool Street to Norwich. Unsure of quite what to say, they blurted out, “My mum loves you!”
At which point Roland stopped and said “All the mums do...” Before fixing our pal’s other half with an eager eye and adding
“...And the girlfriends”.
THE LONDON RECORDS STORY - It’s All Gone Pete Tong! - Subscribe now so you don’t miss ep 3, our favourite. It tells the story of FFRR and club music hitting the charts. And these stars - Pete Tong, Goldie, Orbital, Utah Saints - articulate the times brilliantly. But nothing is as good as the stories about the late, lamented Andrew Weatherall. The new Hit That Perfect Beat drops next Wednesday at 6am BST.
>> Hmms <<
Internet bright spots of the week
‘An open letter to the person who honked at my son during his driving test’
[Headline of the week from Canada’s paper of record]
Wordle is launching as a TV show? Produced by Jimmy Fallon??
[Sure, why not]
Unrelated: An absolutely brutal takedown of Jimmy Fallon
[On Current Affairs]
Men are ‘ballmaxxing’ by inflating their testicles to the size of grapefruits
[Men used to go to war]
California mayor resigns, admitting to being an agent for China
[Not ideal]
The world’s best police officer is undoubtedly Splash the Otter
[He’s doing his best]
The Liz Truss lettuce is back - for Keir Starmer this time
[Thanks to the Daily Star]
Iain Lee will do a show ‘at your house”
[Only £350 + petrol]
Thanks to: Dom Kaos, MH, Rach, Stevie, R, CD, AR, M, D, Anon, KB, Majorbloodnok.
Old Jokes Home
Q: What do you call a three-legged donkey?
A: A wonky.
Still Bored?
Find out how likely you are to get divorced on the basis of your profession - [Cheerful!]