I'M THE DIRECTOR
#1294
Get your special edition Popbitch 25th birthday commemorative t-shirts before the next heatwave hits!
Stocks are nearing their end, so snap ‘em up while you still can.
Sizing range includes tight (cropped style ), tighter (like UK women’s 6-8), as well as standard small, medium and large (unisex/mens - classic Russell Athletic fit).
“Do you know that I collect teeth? Send them over” - Kesha
* BNO at Bukkake Bar
* Jim Callaghan’s High Seas
* PLUS: Hamm, Canned, Thank You Ma’am
Stuff amusing us this week - since 2000. Send us tips & trivia, via email, WhatsApp +44 7923 619540 or DM on Instagram.
>> Forrest Slump <<
Speak now or forever hold your peace
Taylor Swift’s wedding to Travis Kelce earlier this month sounds like an absolute snooze fest.
Leaked info from the nuptials suggested that the couple’s vows were at least 20 minutes each, with both of them reading from matching golden books.
Even the A-listers in the VIP seats - most of the 800-strong crowd were standing room only - found the going difficult.
In the front rows, Tom Hanks nodded off about five minutes in. His wife, Rita Wilson, didn’t bother waking him until the vows were over. Now that’s true love.
Seth Rogen says Kanye West once stood next to him at the gym reciting the entire Superbad script word for word.
>> Let’s Go Soccer <<
Sleb appearances
Sunday’s World Cup final in New Jersey’s MetLife stadium was, as predicted, a star-studded affair.
Over a less-than-exciting football match, American broadcasters reached peak America, with cameras pivoting to celebrities in the stands almost as often as they showed Gianni Infantino rubbing shoulders with Donald Trump in the VIP box.
Among the coiffed and perfectly camera ready? Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Timothée Chalamet and Kylie Jenner, Anya Taylor-Joy, Pharrell Williams (confidently misidentified as A$AP Rocky by BBC commentator Guy Mowbray), Mr Beast and the entire Beckham family minus Brooklyn.
And making a less than media-safe appearance on the jumbotron? Jon Hamm, who was spotted by fans “absolutely shitfaced” in the stands.
Newly-minted Government Chief Whip Anneliese Midgley used to be married to Bob Stanley of St Etienne.
>> Big Question <<
Who’s asking what this week
Which comedian carefully curates his travel and daily posts to present himself as a bit of a lonely single guy (looking like a wistful Princess Di at the Taj Mahal and the like), but actually has a girlfriend who he lives with, and who he crops out of all his photos?
Ostensibly, it’s so she doesn’t get stalked by his, presumably, rabid fans. But it also gives him a lot of leeway to liberally flirt with both fans and fellow comedians.
DYNASTY HANDBAG at SOHO THEATRE Wed 29 July – Sat 1 Aug
Described as ‘insane’ by Dick Van Dyke and ‘one of the last great people’ by Miranda July, freaks’ freak Dynasty Handbag comes to Soho mixing her greatest performance hits and tales from her memoir. Exclusive Popbitch offer.
[Promo code DYNASTYPOP for £15 tickets]
>> Confessions <<
MaDonna Summer 2027
Madonna is back, back, back. The World Cup halftime show might have underwhelmed but Confessions II has definitely re-affirmed Madge’s UK popularity.
Her Madonnaness hinted to Graham Norton recently about a headline Glastonbury slot next year.
But that’s not all. We hear a huge Hyde Park homecoming post-Glasto is in the works. Keep the first weekend of July free.
Cara Delevingne says she was signed by Simon Fuller, aged 16, for pop stardom. She was to do “cheese pop“, with dyed green hair, and called “Spike or Spark”. It didn’t transpire.
>> Northman <<
Burnham cometh
Andy Burnham’s inauguration as Britain’s seventh Prime Minister in a decade comes with many firsts.
He’s the first PM to have run marathons, the first Catholic, and the first to get rid of that one hot employee who usually brings out the lectern outside Number 10 for important speeches.
He is not, however, the first to have a tattoo (he’s got a Manchester bee on the inside of his bicep). He was pipped to that by Jim Callaghan who, like many sailors, was inked during WW2. But Callaghan was so embarrassed by his tats that he was never seen in public without long sleeves.
FYI: Winston Churchill wasn’t tattooed, but his mum was.
FYI 2: Tony Blair converted to Catholicism after office; Boris Johnson flip-flopped to CofE and then back to Westminster Cathedral to get married.
On Andy Burnham’s coronation day, Sky News’ Beth Rigby mentioned on three separate occasions that she had also attended Fitzwilliam College, Cambridge.
>> Kill The Director <<
Going offline and nuclear
Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey isn’t the only Greek myth taking over London at the moment. Over at the National Theatre, The Osteria is giving Nolan a run for his money on runtime alone.
The play (a trilogy of Greek tragedies) goes on for a mammoth three hours thirty minutes. Its preview last week went on even longer - five hours.
Not all of the audience managed to sustain their attention for the full odyssey. Someone hid in the rows with their phone on full brightness, trying - and failing - to surreptitiously text.
After 40 minutes, a nearby theatre-goer had enough and snapped at them to put their phone away. To which the rude texter turned and shouted back:
“I’M THE DIRECTOR!”
(Said self-identified director later disappeared from their seat during the interval and never re-appeared.)
Spotted: Danielle Lloyd at the Cannock Designer Outlet kids play area last night trying (and failing) to get to the top of the largest tower to go down the slide.
>> Zzzzzz <<
The year the music died
On both sides of the Atlantic, the music singles charts currently look dead.
At the top of the Billboard 100, Choosin’ Texas by Ella Langley. For the 14th week.
Number one in the UK singles chart? Sam Fender and Olivia Dean’s Rein Me In. Four weeks in a row but 17 weeks in total.
Fender’s track was released a year ago and has been high in the charts since, this week passing Bryan Adams’ Everything I Do, and creeping up on Frankie Laine’s all-time record of 18 weeks with I Believe.
There are seven tracks with more longevity in the States, headed by Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas. But if Ella can hang on for five more weeks, she’ll equal the current longest non-holidays hits, A Bar Song (Tipsy) by Shaboozey and Old Town Rd, by Little Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus.
It’s not just a big chart song, but huge with TikTok users too. So it will be interesting to see what, if any, effect the teen-social media bans will have on music discovery.
Of the 10 biggest selling singles in the UK this year, only one was actually released in 2026 (IloveitIloveitIloveit by Bella Kay). The biggest isn’t Rein Me In, though, it’s Olivia Dean’s Man I Need.
>> Dead Rat Story <<
More in the pipeline
The heatwave may have abated for now, but things haven’t improved for the beleaguered employees of London’s biggest media companies.
At ITV Daytime in Covent Garden, a stench of rancid sewage emanates throughout the entire office building every time the aircon is switched on.
Due to a dead rat in the pipes.
Spotted: Royston and Nick from the Real Housewives of Cheshire ordering Estrellas at Bukkake Bar, Sitges. (Which we mention to alert everyone that there is a dimly lit, pleasant Spanish drinking hole in Sitges named “Bukkake Bar”.)
>> TV Times <<
His Hart is in it
Joe Hart got a lot of kudos this World Cup for his calm game analysis on the BBC. This came as something of a surprise to some of the old Man City press team:
“Interesting to see ex-City players, who could barely grunt to club media, now all over tv, radio etc. Prime example? Joe Hart, who once responded to some unthreatening questions at an end of season awards with the words ‘fuck, shit, and cunt’.
“When he signed for Man City from Shrewsbury, with his parents in attendance, he was very polite, rather middle-class. Then he went all “street”. Not saying fame, money, sponsorships and hangers-on fawning all over him went to his head AT ALL.
“But it’s good to see him reverting back now.”
As we near silly season, we’re prepping for some special Club Popbitch issues. Sign up today (and until the end of July) you can get 25% off your first three months.
Then, and only then, you can look forward to Jacko deep-dives, footballers behaving badly and a bumper edition of Big Answers to some salacious blind items over the next few weeks.
>> Hmms <<
Internet bright spots of the week
A gossip-y new novel about Natalie Portman is in the works
[Written by her ex? friend]
Some good nominative determinism in this story about Aussie YIMBYS
[Appropriately neighbourly stuff]
Sir Alex Ferguson’s tribute to Kevin Keegan
[via The Guardian]
Pep Guardiola’s office ephemera is being auctioned off to fans
[Surely Man City aren’t that hard up]
The 100 most powerful directors in Hollywood, ranked
[On Vulture]
World Cup-shaped hole in your life? Fill it with the Microsoft World Excel Championships instead
[The Messi v Ronaldo of nerds]
Zohran Mamdani wasn’t invited to Taylor Swift’s wedding
[Sounds like a lucky escape - h/t Rolling Stone]
Is this Britain’s most expensive fish chop curry sauce?
[An investigation]
The sad demise of journo ligging
[From Freeloader]
Thanks to: MDS, JT, The Pianoman, CH, AA, HAM, JH, T, HR, DW, Deep_Stoat and Kerching.
Old Jokes Home
Q: What do you call an imprisoned Andrew Tate?
A: In cell.
Still Bored?
Count Binface has released some merch ahead of the Clacton by-election. [And half of the proceeds go to a very good cause]