Keir Death Experience
#1271
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“I’m a psychotic details demon” - Emerald Fennell
* Gino Jets Off
* Fatty Boom Boom Hoffman
* PLUS: A Gregg Wallace Love-In
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>> Starry Eyed <<
Hard to swallow
The narrative of this year’s Michelin Awards is that Gordon Ramsay’s astute beady eye led not only to his own Michelin Star for Bishopsgate resto Gordon Ramsay High - but also to the double-star awarded to his protégée Matt Abé for Ramsay-backed Bonheur.
But another missed opportunity was staring him in the face. Last year Ramsay’s production firm was embedded with four UK restaurants for the making of Apple TV’s Knife Edge: Chasing Michelin Stars. After months of filming, dozens of visits and significant hope that this was their big break, Sheffield restaurant Jöro was dropped from the series shortly before it aired, only finding out when they didn’t see themselves in the trailer.
Brutal, yes. But also a little embarrassing for Studio Ramsay, given that Jöro received a Michelin Star at this week’s awards - without Gordon’s help.
Nominative Determinism of the Week, Winter Olympics Edition: The Plastic surgeon behind the penis-fillers trend at this year’s games... Dr Gary Horn. (Dr Horn introduced penis fillers to the UK in 2012 as a less invasive alternative to enlargement surgery.)
>> Slim Pickins <<
A Keir path
Keir Starmer’s ability to cling onto his job by his fingernails is less to do with his own popularity (or lack thereof) and more to do with the fact that there’s nobody obvious enough to replace him.
Or at least that’s what some elements of the Labour Party think anyway. A gaggle of MPs met on the terrace of the Groucho Club in recent days to drown their sorrows, plot and speculate on who Starmer 2.0 might be.
The general consensus? Former Royal Marine and Selly Oak MP Al Carns. That’s according to someone who overheard the conversation, and presumably, the screeching sound of a barrel being scraped.
FYI: Other MPs have been remarking on Al Carns’ habit of using the parliamentary sauna stark naked. (Although surely a sauna is the optimum place to be in the nip..?)
Lonely this Valentine’s Day? Don’t fret. Gregg Wallace is flogging V Day cameos for the low low price of £36.52, for all the lovers out there.
>> Big Question <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which social media-friendly star has been loudly claiming that they resigned from the BBC for noble reasons related to their political views? In reality their cancellation is less of a free speech issue and more of a personality one; due to a massive falling out with the wife of their co-star along with a tendency to be horrible to female members of staff that had made them roundly disliked.
Rosé is pink. Violets are blue. Boy, do we have a great Laylo offer for you. Popbitch readers can get two boxes of rosé for the price of one on all orders this week. Just add two boxes to your basket and use the code V-DAY-ROSE at checkout. So much better than some sad supermarket roses.
>> Loadsa Money <<
Living the jet set life
Cancelled chef Gino D’Acampo was really making the most of his air miles en route to this year’s Taste of Dubai festival.
Gino was on a flight from Rome to London last week that got into a spot of bother at customs. The entire flight had to queue up for sniffer dogs to check all hand luggage.
Bit of a nightmare for anyone, but Gino was particularly apoplectic about the intrusion. Which was made all the worse when the sniffer dog got very excited about Gino’s bag and an officer took him aside for a few questions.
A fellow passenger reports that when asked by the officer if there was any money in the bag, Gino casually replied “about six or seven grand”.
Andi Peters spotted breezing through first class, Heathrow Terminal 5. When staff greeted him with a “good morning” he just rolled his eyes, before being escorted through quickly so nobody else could approach him.
>> Sweet Tooth <<
Jeffy want muffin
There are more than 300 references to muffins in the Epstein files. But don’t worry, it’s not a horrible euphemism. These appear to be references to actual muffins.
Amid all the horrors and the ick, some of the emails just reveal the banalities of life in the 0.1%. Epstein was such a big fan of dietary fibre that he had a specific “J.E.E. Muffins” recipe. This necessitated an extensive muffin-focused section in his staff manual, with staff instructed to transport his “muffin mixture” around the world with him. The main ingredients? Bran and flaxseeds.
He was awoken every day with one of these muffins (always warmed in a microwave) on a silver tray .
FYI: Someone has actually already tried to recreate the world’s nonciest muffin themselves, courtesy of the Epstein recipe. If you want to give it a go too - check out their review here.
A week after he was sighted in Crouch End’s McCafferty’s, Rod Stewart is out in north London yet again! This time in Hornsey’s The Great Northern Railway Tavern.
>> The One Rule <<
Delete it fat
One of the weirder things when reading about all the financiers and tech bros in the Epstein Files is that while they all seem pretty cool with the idea of noncing, one thing is definitely considered beyond the pale.
Namely, Reid Hoffman’s weight.
Even though Reid is tech royalty through LinkedIn, Paypal and an inevitable AI start-up, much of his peers’ chatter is that he is too fat.
In fact he’s frequently referred to as “Fatty Hoffman”.
People who’ve worked with tiny ex-NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg report that Mike in particular always had a problem dealing with Reid because of his size.
Charming.
Another weird story to come out of the Epstein emails - his Fortnite account was still being used after his death.
>> Political Battles <<
A night out with Junglepussy
David Cameron and Sam Cam, accompanied by an earpiece-wearing bodyguard, were spotted at a screening of Paul Thomas Anderson’s One Battle After Another on 70mm print at the Prince Charles Cinema this week.
The plot of the movie centres on a washed-up political activist who suddenly realises his daughter is missing and then spends ages trying to find her again.
“Some guffawing at the lewder parts of the film, but generally speaking a look of bemusement” reported fellow filmgoers of the Cams cinema etiquette.
Either bemusement, or perhaps just nostalgia from the ex-PM, one of whose claims to fame in office was losing his daughter one day when he left her in a pub.
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>> Loan Square <<
Not the Made in Chelsea way
In the influencer world it’s pretty much an accepted fact that you’re never expected to pay for anything - wherever possible.
Even so, you’d think the upper-crust influencers would be immune to these kinds of hand-outs. Not so much - ex-Made In Chelsea star Ollie Locke and husband Gareth are facing eviction from their £4m townhouse over £25k in unpaid rent.
The alarm was raised by their roommate, one of the (five) godmothers to the Lockes’ twins, who claims to have been paying their rent on time.
But generally this proves you never want to rent your house to a MIC alumni. Another one of the Baby Lockes godmothers, Tabitha Willet, has a similar aversion to paying rent herself.
In 2024 we wrote about how Tabs appeared in court after her former landlord sued her for unpaid rent. Damages were awarded to the landlord for Tabitha’s fees, along with letting her dog defecate daily in the flat, allowing her daughter to draw on the walls, and possibly also, half-inching a hoover.
Could it be that the denizens of Sloane Square are really that hard up?
Zayn Malik says he gave his daughter £500 for her first lost tooth. The tooth fairy we’ve always wanted.
>> Braking News <<
You get the general idea
The Daily Mail’s office refurb continues at pace... some new wall art was put up the other day of the words EXCLUSIVE, STORYTELLING, BREAKING, TRENDING.
Unfortunately, some of those letters have already fallen off. As of today, it now reads EXCUSIVE, STORYTELLING, BRAKING, TRENDING.
There’s also some new hanging signage, including a sign reading ‘News’ - which doesn’t actually hang above where the newsdesk sits.
Phil Collins’ ex-wife just named her new dog Lily. Which is surely a bit weird considering that’s the name of his daughter - and her own children’s half-sibling.
>> Possible Possums <<
When you’re ready come and get it
An unlikely union has formed in New Zealand between possum hunters and a Selena Gomez brand extension.
Possums are classed as a pest in NZ as, since their introduction by European settlers, they’ve totally mugged off the existing local wildlife.
Studies have found that a fat-sugar food combo was just as addictive for possums as humans - so trappers have been trialling special foods to entice the animals. Say hello to the Selena Gomez Chocolate and Cinnamon Oreos!
Tim Tams have also been tried but were later discounted as they were found to be too expensive. Oreos, if you’re wondering, are cheaper and “stand up to the rain quite well, which is a little disconcerting”.
The possums haven’t been able to resist.
Josh Sharp’s ta-da! is at Soho Theatre right now: A 2000 slide manic PowerPoint featuring hand jobs under a bridge and closeted teen magicians.
Dumb but erudite jokes meet sad but sweet stories in this twice-extended Off-Broadway hit. Directed by Sam Pinkleton, the Tony Award-winning director of Oh, Mary!
Popbitch readers get exclusive £15 tickets from Monday to Wednesday with code BITCH15.
>> Hmms <<
Internet bright spots of the week
Who doesn’t love a fish disco outside a nuclear power plant?
[DM for guestlist]
The new “Wuthering Heights” movie sounds terrible
[The reviews don’t hold back either]
An obituary for the TV comedy panel show
[Rumours of its death have been greatly exaggerated]
A Portuguese Catholic priest is making Gregorian techno house
[Again DM for guestlist]
Michael Barrymore goes shopping for healthy snacks
[Firmly in his TikTok influencer era]
One of the many great tributes to James Van Der Beek
[RIP to a real one]
And - Adrian Searle, The Guardian’s acerbic arts critic, announced his retirement today after 30 years. Charles Saatchi once told him: “Let me write your review for you. I’m a cunt, this place is shit, and the artists I show are all fucked. Will that do for you?”
[He’ll be missed! Though not by Charles Saatchi]
Thanks to: Toady, Nick, NB, Gavin, MR, Deep_Stoat, J, AJ, Leadbone, RS.
Old Jokes Home
I’ve only got two, maybe three good Motown puns left in me. Four tops.
Still Bored?
Here’s a game where you have to hide your gaming console from your date.